Greg

On my flight home from Prague yesterday, I had the good fortune of meeting Greg. Greg is a musician with long blonde hair and a beard who hails from North Carolina and loved Prague so much that he is considering moving there. He does have his house in NC to consider, but heck, he might be able to rent it out while he tests out the Czech lifestyle for six months or so. They really love music there. I didn’t ask Greg to share any of this information- he’s just one of those people who enjoys making small talk on planes. I am not one of those people so after I humored Greg just enough to be polite by asking about the cost of living in Prague (cheap) and what instrument he plays (guitar), I went back to my original plan of sleeping for the entire flight and got all my preparations under way. I popped half of a Sominex, I put my ear plugs in, I took my contacts out and I put on my eye mask. I did it all pretty openly so Greg would understand that the small talk was over and it was time for Annie to settle in for a long plane ride’s nap. Imagine my surprise then when Greg said “did you just take a sleeping pill?” I had to remove my left earplug and eye mask to say “what?” and he said “are you going to sleep?” I was like, yes, Greg, yes I am. I’m not sure what gave that away but yes, I am going to sleep. He just smiled his dopey smile and was like “okay. You wear contacts?” I had to remove my earplug again to say “what?” “You wear contacts?” Yes, Greg, I do. Good night.

I dozed off for a few hours but since half of an over the counter sleeping pill is essentially the same as a glass of wine, I couldn’t make it through the entire flight unfortunately. The very second that I opened my eyes, Greg turned right in my face and smiled and started talking. I pulled the ol’ I’m actually still asleep trick and closed my eyes and then started panicking. I wasn’t tired any more but did not want to hear Greg’s lame stories. So I pretended I was asleep for a while until I actually did fall back asleep again but since it was a forced sleep, it didn’t last very long and I unfortunately woke up a few minutes later. I was awake with my eyes closed for quite some time because after a few tests , Greg consistently turned, ready to chat, every single time my eyes fluttered. I shut those fuckers tight for a few minutes as a laid out a plan. How could I be awake and yet make it clear that I’m not interested in chatting? I couldn’t watch the in flight movie because it was Dear John and that was painful enough the first time around. The only other choice was to read a script on my Kindle. I honestly wasn’t in the mood to read a script but God knows the worst script in the world would be better than Gregtalk. So I quickly took off my sleep gear and grabbed my purse. Greg was naturally right on top of me, smiling, and pointing at my Kindle. He said “is that a Kindle?” and I said “yes” without an ounce of sarcasm despite the fact that it says KINDLE right across the top. So I started reading it, or trying to, but Greg was watching me read. It is very hard to read when someone is watching you read. After a few minutes, he said “wow, can you really read that? The font is so small” and I was like, yes, I can. I was about to kill him. I won't go into any more of the lame Greg interrogation but I will say that I seriously considered taking the remaining Sominex in my purse, despite the obvious risks of overdose, simply so that I could tune him out. Possibly forever.

When we finally arrived at JFK, after Greg asked me several thousand more inane questions (i.e. "are you getting off the plane?" "Did you fill out your customs form?" "is that a pen?"), I ran far, far away from him and hid at baggage claim. All I can say is that I wish Greg the best in his musical pursuits and that I highly encourage him to move to Prague or possibly somewhere even further away like Australia. God help the person he sits next to on that flight.

Greg kind of looked like Greg Allman btw