It was with a huge sigh of relief that I haphazardly packed my weekend bag this morning after last week's two hour stressfest that was induced by packing for the Hamptons. No need for the silk jumpsuits and white dresses, the jewelry, the self-tanner, or multiple pairs of high heels, platforms, and gladiators. Nope. Down on the farm you just need your sneaks, some old flip-flops and some grubby old clothes. Definitely do NOT bring jewelry or high heels. I wouldn't even recommend nice workout clothes as they will get very dirty and possibly destroyed. Save the Lululemons for the Upper East Side Yogaworks.
We drove out to Southampton on a last minute whim very early last Saturday morning. We have friends that recently bought a house out there- another fixer upper like ours although not even close to as overgrown and decrepit- and they invited us out when they heard we had no plans for the 4th. We stayed until Monday afternoon which was right about the same time that I fully admitted to myself that I do not like the Hamptons and I am SOOOO glad that we bought a farm in New Jersey instead. I honestly never thought in a million years that I would ever say that I prefer dirty Jersey to the Hamptons but I honestly really hate the Hamptons. THERE! I SAID IT! Huge weight off my chest. I know that I am possibly offending many people when I say that, but before anyone gets mad, let me explain. It goes far beyond the complications of packing my weekend bag.
First of all, I hate traffic. I especially hate it on the weekends when trying to detox from the stress of the week. Getting to the Hamptons is a bitch. Getting home from the Hamptons is a bitch. In the Hamptons, you cannot drive to the beach without sitting in traffic. To top it all off, you have to deal with a ridiculous amount of parking stress. Even though my friends are residents of Southampton and have passes, we still had to pay $25 to park at Cooper's Beach and then were fined (erroneously) $500 for parking in the wrong spot. $500!!! That's a roundtrip flight to Costa Rica for God's sake.
I also detest "scenes". If I want to go to a club that Lindsay Lohan might get arrested at, I will do that in Hollywood or The Meatpacking District. I do not want to do it while on vacation. Quite frankly, I don't want to do it ever but if the urge were to strike me for some bizarre reason, I would not want it to be at a cheesy crowded club with second rate deejays after a long day of hiking and laying out on the beach.
Even more than I hate scenes, I hate people who are mean and rude. While this probably seems like a universal notion, you'd be surprised at the number of people who seem to enjoy being around other rude people. I experienced this in full force at the Golden Pear on Main Street where purchasing a simple iced coffee became a pushing and shoving fight akin to a UFC bout between featherweight old tan women dripping in diamonds. Even though I was able to pretty successfully zen out the elbowing and snide comments to the poor staff, it was harder to ignore the snooty looks I got because my Balenciaga sunglasses are last year's model and I was carrying my cash in my hand rather than in a designer bag. I forgot that going into the Golden Pear in casual attire is like going into that store on Rodeo Drive in your hooker dress a la Pretty Woman.
Sadly the Golden Pear rudeness was also experienced at the beach where I had a man yell at me because my dog ran after his frisbee. We were walking on the shore together (on the beach that dogs are allowed, mind you) and this guy was playing frisbee with his friend. Zelda LOVES frisbee and ran after it as soon as she saw it because she thought they were playing with her. They weren't. And the one guy was quick to point out and yelled at me "get that fucking dog away from me". I was taken aback as you can probably imagine, and quite embarrassed as I tried to grab her by the collar and pull her away. But as she was off-leash and fixated on that frisbee, I could not grab her for the life of me. The most frustrating part was that the guys continued to throw the frisbee back and forth over Zelda's head, which, if you have ever even seen a dog or been around one before, ever, is probably the stupidest thing you can do if you want the dog to go away. This continued on with the guy yelling at me to get rid of her and I finally had to state the obvious and said "she is not going to go away if you keep throwing your frisbee back and forth." He didn't bother listening and so it went on for a painfully long time before I was able to catch Zelda while he continuously yelled at me. That guy was such a dick. Another woman came over later, while we were just laying there on our blanket, and yelled at us "I hate dogs! Do not let that thing anywhere near me." I was taken aback by this anger. I mean, I understand if you don't want dogs around you on the beach, but maybe you should go to the beach where dogs aren't allowed (there are many of them) and maybe you should also just FUCKING CHILL OUT. It's a harmless, sweet dog who is not going to bother you unless you play frisbee and then, she only wants to play. I can say all of this as a person who only recently got a dog and who, not long ago, really wasn't into dogs. I know that even at that point in my life, however, I never would have gotten mad at the mere existence of dogs. I mean, come on. I hate dogs? Who says that? Who hates dogs? I mean, sure, maybe you don't want one as a pet, but hate them? wow.
So yeah, those were a few of the encounters of rude people that I experienced that soured my take on the Hamptons. There were countless others in this short weekend that I won't go into but you get it. It is shocking to me that people can be so unhappy when they are at the beach and presumably away for the weekend to enjoy themselves. And the worst part is that most, if not all, of these people are rich and living the dream. No need for anger! You made it! Congratulations! Now please, just enjoy it! For the sake of us all...
While there are obviously great things about the Hamptons like the beaches and the beautiful homes and the NYC quality food, I am SO glad to be going to NJ this weekend to get away from it all. While it's true that I will not actually be relaxing, seeing as though we still have millions of hours of hard labor on our hands, I will at least not be elbowed in the back at the Golden Pear.
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