Mental European Vacation

I sometimes feel like Audrey Griswold when she imagines herself eating until she is the size of a house. When I came home late from an event last night, I was really hungry because I didn't eat dinner. It was 2am and I should have just gone to bed hungry. But like Jamie Foxx, I blame it on the alcohol.

It's really amazing how two glasses of wine and a cosmo can make you ravenously hungry. I got home and threw open my cupboards only to find two bags of rice cakes. Score! The second Jim walked out the door to take the dog for a walk, I shoved that shit down my throat like I hadn't eaten in days. I even got to that point where in my head I knew I was no longer hungry, but my hands just could not stop and the chewing started to become obsessive. I was in the zone. When Jim finally walked in the door, I snapped out of my daze and looked down at the empty bags in my hands in horror. Did I really just do that? I quickly threw them away before he realized that not only is his wife a hog, but she is a sneaky hog. I then pretended that I was merely sipping a Diet Sprite all along. When he wanted to get it on later, I had a really hard time feeling sexy with 80 ounces of rice cake in my stomach but I endured it somehow. When we finally went to sleep, I was tortured by visions of rice cakes and giant hams and golden turkey wings plagiarized directly from Audrey Griswold's dream. I woke up with a bloated face and a dark sense of shame.

Why can't I be a man? Rusty's dream was so much cooler