What?

There is a man who shall go unnamed who is also my husband who I'm very angry with. This man is sort of an idiot. Let me explain.

Last night, he finally arrived back from his little escapade to Vail during which time he left me home alone with the dog (HIS dog technically) for three days so he could snowboard with his brothers and basically not have a care in the world. Which would have been fine had I not discovered that I'm not allowed to have dogs in my office and had I not spent all of Saturday at home, worrying, all of Saturday night cleaning up dog vomit and worrying, and most of Sunday at the animal hospital, worrying. Then coming home to clean up dog vomit and diarrhea that was not only in my home but also on my bedspread. I blame myself for letting her sleep on the bed but I really blame that man I mentioned earlier. Technically I blame him for pretty much everything. But I'm digressing.

Last night, he was finally home to help take care of his little animal who, no thanks to him, has fully recovered from her near death experience, all thanks to me and the 631 dollars I paid the vet in the emergency room. I called him before I left the office because at that point, I was looking forward to seeing him and told him to get my keys from our 80 year old neighbor, Margaret, who had watched the dog while I was at work yesterday. Okay, he grumbled.

Cut to two hours later. I was wandering around the dog park and up and down 87th Street from 8pm to 9:15 pm. That man and my KEYS were no where to be found. I called him of course, close to 60 times, but no answer. I pounded on the door. No answer. So naturally I assumed he took the dog for a walk and forgot to take his phone. Fine. But as it is still winter, standing on my front stoop for over an hour became unpleasant rather quickly. I tried to occupy my time with emails and squats, but it got harder and harder to ignore the cold, minute by freezing minute. THANK GOD Margaret got home before the frost bite kicked in and let me into my apartment where, lo and behold, there was that infamous man's iphone, laying on the table. And wait, did I hear movement in the back? why yes, I did. Because there he was. Laying on the bed with the dog. Both asleep. I managed my fury as best I could and asked "why the fuck didn't you let me in?" "I didn't hear you" was the reply. "I didn't hear you." Let me repeat that "I didn't hear you."

You didn't hear me knocking on the door or calling you seven hundred and eighty times? You didn't think that I was way overdue in coming home and since I expressly told you less than two hours ago that the NEIGHBOR HAD MY FUCKING KEYS THAT I MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO GET IN AND MAYBE, JUST MAYBE, YOU SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT YOUR PHONE INTO THE BEDROOM. He says "I have an ear infection, I can't hear." Really? Can you hear this: